One of the biggest challenges for me, identifying as agnostic, dating and subsequently marrying someone who identifies as Christian, was the feeling of being personally attacked. Wayne never said to me that he believed that I was a terrible awful person who would spend eternity rotting in hell, but I knew that Christianity as a whole -like all religions do to some extent- promoted the idea that nonbelievers are in some way misguided from the truth.
Before my own experience, I would have thought agnosticism as a belief system would be ideal in an interfaith relationship. Instead, I found my lack of faith to be incredibly hard for Wayne to understand. As a Christian in a country where it is the dominant religion, he never had to consider what it felt like to be told that, despite all the good you may put out in the world, you would be damned forever. He did not see the war I felt like Christianity waged against me personally as Black person and a woman. I felt like his allegiance to an institution that could justify persecuting me simply for not participating meant he thought less of me as a person. To deal with my feelings I constantly insisted that we talked about religion so that I could argue my point of view. This was not effective. At all. It did, however, lead to fights and tear and insecurities, and a short-term break-up.
Even now, religion, continues to be the most tense topic between the two of us, but we are learning. I have come to respect, and even admire his ability to have faith. Although it doesn’t always feel like it to me, I know that Christianity is not a monolith and there are many different ideas and interpretations within the religion. I try to acknowledge each Christian I meet, including Wayne, as an individual, with their own internal belief system that simply works within the framework of their religion. I know that some people use religion as a cloak to hide their true intentions, giving an entire religion a bad name. Wayne tries to see things from my perspective and empathize with my fear of being attacked for my beliefs. Sometimes we pray together. Sometimes I don’t participate. Sometimes he wishes I could be just a little less logical and a lot less stubborn. We have decided that we will try to find a church that we can agree upon together, but I am not sure how that will go, especially because some of my church experiences have particularly off-putting, but I am willing to at least try and we will see where that takes us.
June 11, 2016 at 6:26 pm
After years of avoiding church at all costs, considering myself an atheist, I found out about a Unitarian Universalist church (UUA) in my area. It is more of a “liberal” church and there are people of all walks of life. (Couples who are Christian/Jewish, Atheist, Agnostic, Pagan..etc). The service at our location is not very religious but from what I understand some are more religious than others.
One thing I never thought I would be interested in was world religions but when my son started coming home from public school with invites to christian clubs… I was slightly mortified but I decided he is better off being armed with knowledge so we learn about world religions together. You need not take part in any religion, just learn about their customs and history.
Buddhism is nice because someone can learn and follow the philosophies of Buddhism without having to stray from their own religious beliefs. I would also toss in Meditation and Yoga into this category.
Hope this helps.. hopes it guides you 🙂
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June 11, 2016 at 6:50 pm
Thank you for your guidance! We have tried a UU church. I absolutely loved it, he was more skeptical. Right now we are in a bit of transition because we know we won’t be in the city we are in now longer than a year or two so we are more coming up with our short list of churches to try once we move. I want to learn more about different religions, but I find that some religious people have a hard time discerning between teaching and preaching, but I just try to surround myself with people who are open-minded and willing to have teaching conversations with me.
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June 13, 2016 at 12:03 am
Your honesty here is awesome. I love that you’re willing to be open and have conversation about these things. If people hold to a belief system, they should always be subject to places of public forum. Having respect for others opinions is one step, but we need to also be able to weigh the claims of each.
Im a Christian. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry for what you’ve experienced in a church setting in the past. It hurts me to hear of people like yourself who’ve been hurt in the church. Because Christ came for everyone – regardless of who we are, our past, all our mistakes, everything. Jesus identified with the broken, the lost. That’s the beauty of it, we don’t have to be perfect. He meets us where we are, the wreck that we can be (myself included!)
Sorry, this has turned out more like a sermon, haha. Just wanted to thank you again for your thoughts and just rawness you’ve portrayed in this blog 🙂 Keep it up!
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June 13, 2016 at 9:41 am
Thank you for your comments. I appreciate them.
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June 13, 2016 at 8:30 pm
I would like to go to a Unitarian church , but I know my wife would not even consider it. I used to be a practicing Christian, but I have taken a huge turn towards being more skeptical and almost agnostic. My wife remains strong in her faith although we don’t go to church anymore and we dont even pray. I applaud you for trying to remain together and try some churches. I am not sure I would feel genuinely happy with doing the same. Good luck.
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June 13, 2016 at 9:20 pm
Frankly, I would be happier with no church, but I try to just focus on the bigger message of being a good person. Good luck to use as well.
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